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Marriage
Among the Deaf
During
my last visit to India I was surprised to meet a large number
of deaf couples-that is both husband and wife were deaf. It
is something new and shows how much independence deaf people
have attained during the last 30 or so years.
Due
to the arranged marriage practices in India, few, if any,
deaf married other deaf. A lot of us remained single as it
was hard to find a "normal" partner and the parents
did not want to marry their deaf child to a deaf person ("one
deaf person in the family is enough," as one parent put
it). The well-to-do parents opted for a "normal"
marriage partner from a poorer family for their deaf child.
The elevation in status-economic or otherwise--compensated
for the deafness of the spouse. Thus, almost all of the deaf
I knew who were married had hearing wives or husbands from
lower income strata. I assume the parents of the hearing child
had to bear taunts from neighbors and wags in the family about
"selling their child."
Interestingly
enough, almost all of these marriages were successful. It
is especially true in the case of deaf men marrying hearing
women. These wives, after their initial difficulties, worked
hard at making their marriage successful. They learned to
communicate with their husbands and acted as their interpreters
in need. Later, they had children who grew up loving a father
who was deaf and learned to communicate with him. And…the
marriage worked jut like a "normal" marriage with
the usual ruts here and there in the otherwise smooth road.
The
same was not true in the case of a hearing husband and a deaf
wife. The husband rarely learned to sign and ruled the roost.
The traditional role of man coupled with the hearing status
gave him an enhanced authority that bordered on tyranny. Thus,
the deaf wife suffered. However, that is the traditional role
of Indian wife-deaf or hearing. As Ramdhari Singh Dinkar wrote,
"Abla jeevan hai tumhaari yehi kahaani/ Aanchal main
doodh aur ankhon main paani." He was not talking about
deaf women.
The
deaf-deaf marriage was unheard of until the late 1960's in
India. We knew how deaf people in Western nations married
other deaf and the deaf-hearing marriage was as uncommon in
the West as deaf-deaf marriage was in India. If a deaf man
was bold enough to express his desire to marry a deaf girl
he liked or loved, his requests was immediately buried by
the well-meaning but ignorant parents.
Time
has changed. I was amazed at the number of young deaf couples
I met. Most of them had good jobs and were self-supporting.
Perhaps, their financial independence is what contributed
to their freedom of choosing their marriage partner. Their
parents may have objected in the beginning only to give up
knowing that it was a losing battle they were fighting.
Parents
often ask should they marry their deaf child to a hearing
person or a deaf person. They do prefer a "normal"
son- or daughter-in-law but want to consider pros and cons
of both kinds of marriages. Here are some points to consider.
Deaf
people, in general, prefer to marry another deaf. It is not
just the communication; it is the culture too. A deaf couple
will make friends with other deaf couples, attend deaf social
and cultural events, and participate in activities of mutual
interest because of their deafness.
In
a "mixed" marriage, the situation is very different.
The hearing partner will have hearing friends and the deaf
partner will have deaf friends. They will have a very few
mutual friends. The hearing partner would want to attend "hearing"
parties where the deaf partner will not enjoy him/herself.
Similarly, the hearing partner will not have much fun in a
deaf party. They will have both deaf and hearing friends,
but there always will be "his" and "her"
friends and seldom "their" friends. This leads to
friction and with husband and wife have to make some sacrifices
in their social activities to accommodate each other.
The
positive side of having a "normal" spouse is that
he/she acts as a bridge between you and the hearing world.
You have more opportunities to associate with the extended
family. The children will have one "normal" parent
and they will have access to two separate cultures.
Often
parents are worried about have deaf grand children if they
marry their child to another deaf person. That is not true.
About 96% of deaf children are born to hearing parents. Unless
the deaf have congenital or hereditary deafness, the chance
of his or her having deaf children does not increase just
because of marrying deaf person.
I
attended a dinner in March where five of the six couples were
both deaf and one deaf lady had a hearing husband. Of course,
we never saw the husband as he was "out there."
It was a nice dinner and we had a lot of laughs. In a mixed
situation, there would have been two groups-hearing and deaf.
The party would have been divided and like a house, a party
divided unto itself does not stand.
However,
the question should a deaf marry a deaf or hearing cannot
be answered. It is just like the hearing world. There are
happily married couples and there are those who are trying
to kill each other. I know a lot of deaf couples that are
not happy or are divorced and I also know mixed couples that
are happy. Therefore, the bottom line is not the status of
hearing; it is love that is above race, handicap, age, or
other differences. So, go with the heart.
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